


All That You Left Behind

by hdyrg66



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood, Character Death, Dark, Death, Depression, Disturbing Themes, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hallucinations, Hux will kill innocent people, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Murder, Poor Hux, Violence, Violent Thoughts, You Have Been Warned, and you get to witness it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 02:49:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6497881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hdyrg66/pseuds/hdyrg66
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day Kylo died, he took any compassion Hux had left, with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"General?”

The sound of a rather high-pitched and strained voice calling out to him caused Hux to turn from his position on the bridge, coming face to face with one of his lower-ranked officers. He immediately felt a stab of annoyance at the officer’s mere presence in front of him.

The man was truly a pitiful sight: red faced and fidgety, practically shaking in his boots. The fact that Hux’s heated gaze was now upon him undoubtedly didn’t help either, but he didn’t care. Any officer who couldn’t look him in the eye clearly wasn’t worth his time, especially not now.

The First Order had just successfully taken the planet, Querima, from Resistance control. All under Hux’s helm, of course. He had been planning this invasion for weeks, and it had been executed to almost perfection. The Resistance hadn’t put up much of a fight, having given up fairly quickly against the onslaught of Hux’s troops.With many a prisoner captured and fatalities at an all time low, he would certainly be praised by Supreme Leader Snoke for this. It was a great leap forward for the entire First Order and his career. Hux usually wasn’t one for self-indulgence, however, he couldn’t help but allow himself a small bit of pride over the achievement.

With all the post battle paperwork and debriefing needing to be done, he didn’t have time to sit around and have small talk with his officers.

“I’m a little busy at the moment, Officer,” Hux spat, turning back around. He could hear the man shuffle behind him, but to his utter irritation, he did not leave.

With a huff, Hux swiveled his head to look at the man again, a daring eyebrow raised.

Surely he wasn’t so idiotic as to make him say it twice? 

The man’s eyes bounced nervously around the bridge as his mouth opened and closed several times. It was obvious the man was torn between following the General’s orders or following through with what he came to say in the first place.

Anyone who valued their life would choose the former, but this man was brave enough, or some would say, stupid enough, to go with the latter it seemed. 

“General,” He spoke again, shifting his feet, “Uh-.. it’s important.” 

Somehow, Hux knew trying to turn the man away again was pointless, he clearly wasn’t going to leave without saying whatever it was he had to say. No one dared disrespect General Hux unless it was, infact, important. For this officer’s sake, Hux hoped it was.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Hux turned towards the man completely, reluctantly giving him his full attention. Through the waves of anxiety the man emitted, he noted just how young this officer actually was, he couldn’t be much older than his early twenties. Hux reckoned he must have graduated from the Academy not too long ago, and considering he had never seen him before, was certainly new to the Finalizer.

Somewhere, deep in his mind, this struck Hux as odd. What sort of important information could this young man, virtually a boy, have that it required his immediate notice? Anything that was truly significant should have gone through his Lieutenants first, nevertheless, he had no time to dwell on this inquiry. The sooner this man said what he needed to say, the better. 

“What is it, then?” He growled out. 

“There was an… unexpected casualty during the invasion today, Sir,” The man paused, swallowing, forcing his eye’s to finally meet Hux’s, “One of our own.”

Hux’s own eyes narrowed. 

“Casualties are not uncommon in the middle of a war, in fact, they are inevitable. Nothing should be unexpected about a casualty, besides, all fatalities that were sustained today have already been accounted for, _Officer_.”

The officer flinched at Hux’s mocking use of his title, no longer being able to hold his piercing gaze, he glanced away, suddenly finding the polished floor very interesting. Despite the General quickly losing patience, he had to continue. 

“The b-body was just recovered, S-Sir.” He stuttered out, his whole body itching with the need to flee.

Hux’s irritation was growing with every passing second. None of this was making sense to him. How was this of any importance? It shouldn’t matter if the body was just recovered, they were just stormtroopers afterall. There was no shortage of replacements for those troops who fell on the battlefield. 

“And who could have possibly died that demands my notice right this moment?” Hux snapped. If the man didn’t come up with a worthwhile answer in the next few seconds, he would have no problem in demoting him just for wasting his time.

The man, seemingly thinking the same thing, took a slight step back from the General, stammering, “Forgive me, General, I-I, I don’t know how to s-say this…” 

Hux rolled his eyes, losing the last of his tolerance for the bothersome officer, “Spit it out already!” He barked. 

The man audibly swallowed, licking his lips and shakily brought his eyes up to Hux's once more, 

_“Sir… Kylo Ren is dead.”_

 

_\---_

 

The pounding of Hux’s feet on the durasteel floor was the only sound that echoed through the hallways as he descended into the bowels of the ship. There wasn’t many people down here, the very few that he had come across had quickly jumped out of his way, and for good reason: Hux was absolutely livid.

Perhaps grabbing the young officer by the front of his uniform and demanding to know where Kylo was, in front of the entire bridge, was a bit in bad taste on Hux’s part, but, it was nothing compared to this disgusting excuse of a joke someone was certainly trying to pull on him. That was the only logical answer in Hux’s mind: it was a twisted stunt of some sort...it had to be. However, no matter how many times he mentally repeated this to himself, he couldn’t stop the dread that pooled in the pit of his stomach. The sick prank had only just begun and Hux was already ready for it to be over with.

Rounding the last corner and finally nearing his destination, he wasted no time. With a rage like no other, Hux burst into the chilling expanse of the Finalizer morgue. Almost immediately his nostrils were bombarded with the stinging aroma of heavy chemicals.

Much like the rest of the ship, it was minimal and mostly bare, only containing what was needed to deem it as much. The only furnishing in the main room was a single desk in which a small, pudgy man sat. A shiny plaque decorating the top of the desk designated the man as the medical examiner,

He had startled upon Hux’s barged entry, but now was opening his mouth as if to speak. Hux cut him off before he could.

“Where is he?!”

The words were snarled, almost animal like, causing the medical examiner to visibly frighten. He stared at Hux with wide eyes for a brief moment before raising a shaking finger to point at a back room. He didn’t have to ask to know who the General was referring to.

Within seconds, Hux was making his way towards the appointed room, not bothering to spare the man a second glance. Thankfully, he made no attempt to stop him; a smart decision.

Hux strided into the room, eyes blazing. He had no sooner stepped over the threshold when his body came to a screeching halt, and all his anger evaporated into thin air. The sudden loss left him gasping with the need for air, but, much to his alarm, he found it eluded him. In fact, it was as if all the oxygen in the room had dissipated when his eyes fell upon the figure lying on the examination table in the center of the room.

Heaving harsh and uneven breaths, Hux was trying, and failing, to make sense of what was happening. He could hear nothing past the deafening rush of blood in his ears as his heart pounded away mercilessly in his chest. His mind and his body seemed to be on two separate wavelengths, with his body having realized the situation before his mind could.

Hux felt as though he was no longer in control; the passenger rather than the pilot. It was an unseen force that urged him further into the room, taking ahold and compelling his feet to move forward. With each step he took, his knees shook dangerously, threatening to give out. Still, by some miraculous means, he managed to stay upright long enough to reach the table.

The only illumination in the room was a bright spotlight which glared down at the figure from overhead. It cast the man’s already pale skin in a deathly pallor, violently contrasting with the multitude of dark, garish bruises and heavy streaks of crimson that marred his appearance. This was all framed by hair that fell in dark, tangled waves around his face, a portion matted to his forehead with more dried blood.

Hux was taking all of this in, and yet, none of it was registering, almost as if his brain was offline. 

Without any thought, he reached out a trembling hand, ever so slowly, towards the figure’s own that laid unmoving on the table. 

“K-Kylo?...” Hux whispered softly, voice quivering.

However, it was only moments later that the name died on his lips, for the instant his hand made contact with Kylo’s, was the instant when Hux’s brain finally realized that something was very _ **wrong.**_

He pulled his hand back quickly as if he had been burned, but actually, it was the polar opposite; Kylo’s skin was _ice_ _cold._

_This wasn’t Kylo- it couldn’t be, **no.**_

Kylo was strong and assertive. He was captivating, almost hypnotizing in a way that no one else could be. As soon as he walked into a room, one would always find their eyes drifting to his looming form. His presence was an atmosphere of confidence and intense energy, making it no question the extent of his power. However, there was another side to Kylo that only Hux got to see; the Kylo that didn’t hide himself behind a mask. That Kylo was vulnerable, a whirlwind of passionate emotions. He was gentle and affectionate, always tender, the complete opposite of what anyone would expect. He was outstandingly stubborn, such to the point where it drove Hux absolutely mad at times, but most of all, he was _warm._ There was simply no possible way that thecold, lifelesscorpse that laid underneath him could be that very same man, and yet, the freckles on the bloodied Knight’s face told a different story.

There was no mistaking the distinctive marks, they were undoubted the very same freckles that Hux had spent many mornings tracing gently. The same raven-colored hair he had run his fingers through countless times, now muddled with crimson. And the full lips that came out every so slightly in a permanent pout, were the same lips that he had kissed earlier that very day.

Hux so desperately wanted to _lie._

He wanted to leave the room, and never return.

He could tell himself that none of this was real, that the figure underneath him wasn’t Kylo after all. He could go sit in his quarters, waiting for the real Kylo to return and end this nightmare… But the fact of the matter was, that “real” Kylo would never show up, for he was right here, in front of Hux, lying stiff and unmoving. 

Still, even as his body began to shake and his breath started in come in compulsive gasps, Hux knew there was something he was missing.

Hesitantly, he raised his hand back up, this time, avoiding Kylo’s icy hand in favor of his face. He hadn’t exactly realized what he was doing until his hand was brushing back the caked hair from Kylo’s forehead; a force of habit. In doing so, it revealed something truly horrifying: the source of all the blood- a hole, directly in the center of Kylo’s forehead.

“O-oh my god.”

The room spun around him as Hux stumbled back, immediately feeling like he was going to be sick. Everything had finally connected, hitting him like a speeding TIE fighter.

_Kylo was dead._

Not just that.

_**He was executed.** _

“ _No…. no, no, no, no,”_

A choked off sob tore itself from Hux’s lips as he shot forward, grasping at Kylo’s face with trembling hands.

_This couldn’t be happening._

“Kylo, look at me! Please, just look at me! Kylo!” He shouted, tears blurring his vision as he clutched onto the Knight in desperation. As each moment passed, his cries became more anguished.

He didn’t know what to do.

He just wanted this to end.

Slowly, he brought his head down, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against Kylo’s own.

“Kylo, _please_ …” He sobbed, wishing that by some means he could will him to just _stop this._ Will him to open his eyes, call Hux an idiot and tell him to stop crying, to just, _do anything._

Anything but this. 

He was met with the silence of the room in return.

With his legs ready to give out any second, Hux pulled back, gathering Kylo in his shaking arms as best as he could before sinking to the floor. The Knight was dead weight in his arms, weighing him down heavily as Hux grasped, trying to get him pressed as tightly to his own chest as he could. He hoped that perhaps somehow, his life, warmth, breath, or heartbeat, would transfer to Kylo, bringing his love back to him. But staring down at Kylo’s stark face, Hux could do nothing but cry, the sobs wracking through his body. His tears streamed freely down his cheeks, falling onto Kylo’s below and creating tracks in the dried blood. Hux tried feebly to wipe them away, but only succeeded in smearing the blood more. When he brought his hands back, they were smeared too. 

Hux didn’t know how long he stayed like this, cradling Kylo’s body to his numbly. Time seemed to stopped altogether in the little room. It was just him and Kylo. 

In reality however, it had been several hours.

It was all these hours later that Captain Phasma found him.

The rest of the ship was in a panic looking for the missing General. Search patrols were currently out scouring the ship and it was only a matter of time before he was discovered. If Hux was found to be hysterical, sobbing over their Commander’s body, he would be ruined, or worse. She couldn’t let that happen, even if Hux hated her for it. She was protecting him.

When Phasma entered the room, Hux didn’t hear or see her. His eyes were closed, his head laying atop Kylo’s as he held him. By closing his eyes, Hux found that it almost gave the illusion that Kylo was still here, safe and asleep in his arms. _Almost_. If it wasn’t for the fact that Kylo’s cold skin seemed to burn holes in where it was pressed against his uniform, chilling him to the bone, it might have worked. 

“General.”

Hux jumped as the silence in the room was broken, his eyes going wide in fear. He pulled Kylo closer to himself automatically.

“Stay back!” He warned frantically, voice hoarse.

“General, you need to rest…” Phasma said slowly, taking a hesitant step towards him. Hux scooted backward in fear, pulling Kylo with him.

“Leave me be!” He snarled, holding the dead Knight protectively. 

Phasma knew there was no way Hux would let her near him, at least, not the way she was at the moment; another faceless soldier. 

Being careful not to make any sudden movements, Phasma undid the clasps on her helmet, setting it down on the nearby table.

“Hux.” She called out softly, opting to use his real name rather than his title. 

Without the harsh voice modulator and the helmet, Hux visibly calmed. He knew Phasma, and he knew that she didn’t impose a threat to him. 

Taking his eyes off of her slow descent towards him, Hux looked back down at Kylo, brushing a gentle man through his hair.

“He’s gone… He’s really gone.” He croaked rawly to the open.

Phasma now stood above him.

“I’m so sorry, Hux.” She whispered sadly, just as Hux felt the sharp stinging sensation in his arm.

Gasping, Hux snapped his head up to look at Phasma just as she removed the syringe, his eyes wide with betrayal meeting her eyes full of pity. She really didn’t want to do that, but she knew it was the only way.

Suddenly, Hux drew in a breath of panic when he understood what Phasma meant to do next. 

_“No!”_

He tightened his grip on Kylo, attempting to drag him away before she could stop him, but it was to no avail. The sedative was already taking effect on his body, his strength leaving him. Phasma watched him sadly as he struggled to fight the narcotic, another round of tears beginning to fall when he realized he was going to lose.

“No, no, no! Please don’t take him from me!” He sobbed, weakly trying to hold on with the last of his will, but there was nothing he could do as the Knight was pried from his arms.

“Kylo!” He wailed, trying desperately to reach out for him. His mind was already starting to go fuzzy, Hux fighting it as best as he could.

He _had_ to stay awake.

He _had_ to stay with Kylo.

_He couldn’t leave him alone again._

And yet, here he was, doing exactly that; failing Kylo, once again.

Another broken sob tore itself from Hux’s lip as he slumped on the floor, no longer able to hold himself up, his vision tunneling in.

Even in death, Hux couldn’t protect the man he loved. 

 

_\---_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leaving kudos or comments is always appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

Hux should have known.

The signs had been obvious.

Practically staring him in the face.

The invasion had been _too_ easy. The Rebels had given up seemingly without a fight, and here, Hux had thought it was because of his superior commanding. Ha!

The Rebels had _let_ them win. 

The entire invasion of Querima had been a trap from the very beginning, and it was taking everything Hux had to keep his face blank and emotionless as this information was relayed back to him and the rest of the packed room.

Around the same time Hux had been waking up from his sedation the day before, the news of the Kylo’s untimely demise had finally broken to the public, sending huge shockwaves throughout the First Order. Panic had erupted, nervous chatter and gossip manifesting along with it. Rumors were spread, stating that the First Order was failing, this just being the first step towards their imminent defeat. People were scared, fearing for their futures within the Order and it was only a matter of time before things got out of hand. This was why Hux came to himself amongst all the hierarchy of the First Order in an emergency meeting. 

It was the closest thing to torture he had ever experienced; having to sit idly by and listen to these idiots speaks of Kylo, as if they knew him. The beautifully, broken man, who was so much more than anyone, even Hux, had thought. Kylo had come crashing into Hux’s life, a maelstrom of chaos, destroying his perfect order and sending everything into disarray, and yet, Hux wouldn’t of had it any other way. 

And the worst part was that he couldn’t say a word, not a single syllable, to any of them about it. There were strict rules about relations within the Order, let alone relations between two men. Those two factors combined would mean certain death and Hux didn’t have any doubt that these people would not hesitate to expose him. There was no such thing as loyalty in the Order, only selfish gain for those who would scratch, bite, and claw their way to the top. Phasma was the only person who had known about him and Kylo, the only person he trusted, but even that was a risk. A risk, that Hux was glad he had taken, at least he had one person to confide in, nevertheless, it was excruciating. 

With every minute that passed, Hux’s composure threatened to slip. He sat rigidly in his chair, hands clenched into tight fists underneath the table. His nails were leaving stinging crescent-shaped indents in his newly raw palms, which he had spent the previous day scrubbing relentlessly, frantically trying to wash away all the blood which stained them. Even after scrubbing them countless times, vigorously raking his skin, the result had been the same every time. Hux honestly couldn’t tell if he was just imaging the crimson concealed beneath his fingernails or not anymore. The past two days for him had been spent in a haze, as if he was having some sort of out-of-body experience. Reality felt fake and he was still waiting for the moment he would wake up.

It certainly wasn’t helping that Phasma had not let him out of her sight either, perhaps making sure he didn’t try anything extreme. Even now, he could feel her gaze on him from across the room. Hux refused to meet it, keeping his eyes pointedly fixed on Admiral Halcorr who stood at the front speaking.

“From what we have been able to gather, Lord Ren was ambushed outside the Quierma Resistance base at approximately 1300 hours by a group of, an estimated, 50 Resistance officials. Our infantry, which, at the time, had still been occupied by the ongoing battle on the front, had been unaware of Lord Ren’s condition, and therefore, did not arrive until it was too late to save him. His body was discovered at 1340 hours...The determined cause of Lord Ren’s death was by a single blaster pistol shot at point blank range which killed him instantaneously… “

Halcorr trailed off, letting the news speak for itself. The entire room fell dead silent, seemingly distraught at the nature of Kylo’s death, but none more so than Hux. 

Of course, he had seen the fatal wound two days earlier firsthand, but there was nothing quite like having your worst suspicions being confirmed for all to hear. 

The non-existing contents of his stomach felt like they were going to make an appearance any second as Hux’s gaze shifted to stare at the floor, avidly avoiding anyone’s sight. He might have been able to keep his body language in check, but there was no hiding the truth in his eyes.

It was sick. Absolutely, disgustingly sick.

Kylo wasn’t even able to form a coherent thought before being killed off like some sort of damn dog. And these people around him, these _vermin_ , actually had the nerve to act like they cared? To act as if they ever gave a damn about Kylo?

Hux almost wanted to laugh at how damn pathetic they were, showing their fake sympathies. He could see through their facades like glass. The only thing they were mourning was the loss of their most powerful weapon. That was all Kylo ever was to them; a weapon, nothing more than a toy used to further their mission. One that they surely thought was replaceable, they just had no idea how wrong they were on that part, however. None of them ever knew the real Kylo, the one behind the mask, and infact, none of them deserved to.

Thankfully, the counterfeit moment of silence only dragged on for a few more agonizing seconds before Admiral Halcorr picked up a datapad, tapping the screen a few times and bringing it to an end. In doing so, everyone’s attention, including Hux’s, was drawn to the holoprojector in the center of the room which had come to life, and now, displayed a blue-tinged hologram of a smiling, middle aged man. The figure displayed had rather square features with sunken eyes and certainly couldn’t be much older than Hux was himself. He looked seemingly normal enough, but what made him so important to be shown to them now? 

Not seconds later, Hux received the answer to his question.

“Although we were able to capture or kill most of the conspirators before they fled the scene, we were unsuccessful in apprehending this man,” Halcorr gestured towards the image. “Sebastian Maverik, a leading Officer within the Resistance. We took the liberty of retrieving this photo from Resistance archives for his ensured capture is now of the utmost importance. Our information leads up to believe he is most directly responsible for Lord Ren’s death, and infact, was the one who pulled the trigger.”

Just like that, with a single sentence, Hux was no longer staring at the smiling image of a normal man- no, he was staring at the smiling image of the person who had murdered the man he loved. The person who had taken Kylo from him. The person who had stolen his last breath so mercilessly. 

His hands, which had been trembling formerly, began to shake violently as rage overtook him.

White, hot _rage._

He was seeing pure red.

How was this man allowed to continue breathing while Kylo would never open his eyes to the light of day again? How was he currently walking freely while Kylo lied cold and lifeless on a slab? In what shape or form was Kylo’s life akin to this disgusting scum’s excuse for one? _How was any of this fair?_

Hux’s jaws clenched together, teeth grinding roughly. Hot, angry tears filled his eyes, distorting the faces around him into ghoulish creatures. He felt like he was burning, as if he was just lit aflame. The room’s temperature seemed to have increased ten-fold in the matter of a few seconds, and yet, no others showed any signs of a shared discomfort. Their attentions were still solely focused on Halcorr who unabatedly droned on, no doubt spewing vital information that Hux would need to know, but at this point, it was all background noise to the anger that flowed through him. 

It wasn’t until several minutes later that a choice, offhand sentence from the Admiral was somehow able to break through and register in Hux’s rage-addled mind.

“- body will be incinerated tomorrow at 1700 hours.”

Hux’s head whipped up and Sebastian Maverik was momentarily forgotten.

The word was out of his mouth without so much as a second thought.

_**“No.”** _

And suddenly, all eyes in the room were on him and Hux knew he had just possibly made a life-threatening mistake by speaking... but there was absolutely no way he would stand by and let the the man he loved be burned to ashes- burned to _nothing._ The thought alone sent Hux’s stomach spiraling. He couldn’t let it happen. 

Halcorr’s eyebrows furrowed together as he turned to face Hux, only to find the General’s sharp gaze already upon him. Quickly, he glanced away and around the room, perhaps believing Hux was talking to someone else, but all the other occupants of the room appeared to be just as stunned as he was. Gradually, he turned back to Hux and asked tentatively, 

“General?”

The entire room around them seemed to be holding their breath in anticipation, eagerly awaiting Hux’s response. Hux took his eyes off the Admiral to glance around at them all in turn, each gawking face his eyes came into contact with just repulsed him further. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, before looking back to Halcorr.

“No,” Hux stated again, voice ringing out, “Ky-... Lord Ren’s body will notbe incinerated.”

A small, collective gasp went around the room followed by low murmurs as everyone stared at Hux, quite seemingly dumbfounded. Hux had silently hoped, for his sake, that this would have been the end of it, that the agony of the entire situation wouldn’t be drawn out any further that it already was, but he was never quite that lucky.

Over the course of the moments that had followed his rather brash statement, Halcorr’s expression had changed from one of confusion to that of chagrin, distinctly displeased, and perhaps a bit humiliated by Hux’s interruption. He pursed his lips, shifting his stance slightly under the watchful gaze of room before slowly starting to shake his head. 

“I’m sorry, General, but you have no right to decide that.” He stated icily, observing Hux with repugnance. The fact the the Admiral clearly disliked him was obvious as the pitiful excuse for an apology fell flat. He already began to turn away from the General, disregarding him, but Hux wouldn’t be shrugged off that easily.

The Admiral’s words had been a slap in the face, bringing all the forgotten rage from earlier bubbling back to the surface in such a quick manner that it almost felt like whiplash.

Before Hux even registered what was happening, he had stood up and slammed a fist down against the metal table. The hollow noise echoed around the room like a funeral toll as everyone watched, mouths agape and the Admiral spun quickly back around to face him. 

“Oh and _you_ do?” Hux spat, surveying Halcorr up and down. He couldn’t help the empty and mocking laugh that escaped from his lips at what he saw. It didn’t take all his years of training for Hux to see the Admiral for what he truly was; a feeble and pathetic man, a coward, who would run at the first signs of danger, always taking the easy way out. That fact that he had somehow managed to hold a position of power within the Order disgusted Hux. 

“You know absolutely nothing.” He snarled and despite the fact that the table separated the two, Halcorr took a step away from Hux in alarm. Infact, he wasn’t alone in this action. 

No one had ever seen the General lose his composure before, let alone anything to this degree. The man who watched stoically over the bridge everyday had left, in his place now stood a wild and savage animal, ready to strike with snapping jaws. There was no masking the hint of underlying fear that laid within the occupants of the room, that also including the Admiral, who now attempted to recover from his small display of panic. 

Clearly not willing to roll over for Hux, especially not in front of the vigilant audience, Halcorr straightened his posture in the best showcase of authority he could muster. He cleared his throat before narrowing his eyes. 

“What exactly are you implying, General?” He questioned, raised one eyebrow in a silent dare. The threatening edge to his tone was hard to miss. 

Hux’s lip automatically upward into a sneer, ready to snap, but before he could utter a single word, another voice abruptly interjected from across the room. 

“Forgive me, Admiral, but I believe I know what the General means to say.” 

The sudden addition of a new voice prompted a jolt to ripple around the room as all heads swiveled towards the corner where none other than Captain Phasma stood, the owner of the voice. She made no acknowledgement towards the newfound spectators, her eyes set forwardly on Halcorr, but for the smallest of moments, her eyes flashed quickly to meet Hux’s before settling back on the other man. It was only a mere instance of contact, one that could have been missed in a blink, but that split second was all it took for Hux to identify the action for what it really was - a warning. Phasma was deterring him before he could say anything drastic, more so, anything that could expose him. With every heedless comment Hux made, he inched closer to the point of no return and it would be only a matter of time before suspicion started to surface if he didn’t get his emotions in check. 

With everyone’s attention focused on her, she hoped Hux would realize just how dangerous of waters he was treading, if not for his own sake, then for her’s. She didn't want to watch him go down like this. 

In the meantime, Halcorr regarded her contemptuously, not attempting in any way to hide his scorn. It was evident he viewed her to be beneath him. 

“Are you speaking on the General’s behalf now, Captain?” He inquired jeeringly, voice heavily laced with ridicule. 

Hux couldn’t help but growl at the obvious mockery, but Phasma appeared unphased, ignoring the comment and continuing on,

“With all due respect, I think Lord Ren would be deserving of a proper burial, considering everything he achieved for the Order, Sir.” She said swiftly, keep her eyes level with the Admiral. 

Halcorr stared back at Phasma for a good few moments, considering her carefully before speaking, 

“Although we are thankful for everything that Lord Ren has helped us accomplish, this does not merit any special treatment from the First Order, _Captain._ ” He said, emphasizing her lower-ranked title, making it obvious to her and the rest of the room, that she had no actual weight in the matter, “His death will be handled like any other would be.” Halcorr finished, already turning from Phasma, dismissing her entirely and Hux’s blood was sent boiling. 

_How dare he say that?_

_How dare he shrug Kylo’s death off like it meant nothing?_

_As if his death deserved nothing more than a damn stormtroopers?_

Hux’s body shook violently, blood pumping viciously through his veins. His ears rang shrill in his ears, cutting off all other noises. 

The earlier look of warning from Phasma was long gone, swept aside by waves of mind-numbing fury.

And somewhere, deep inside of him, the last restraint keeping him together,snapped. 

Before anyone had time to register, Hux was crossing the room in quick, long strides, making his way around the table, only intent on one thing: Halcorr. 

The Admiral didn’t see him coming until it was entirely too late and Hux was already upon him. 

Clawing hands shot out, seizing Halcorr by the front of his uniform and wrenching him forward. He gasped, instinctively trying to pull away, but Hux’s grip was iron.

His body went rigid with fear as he had no choice but to stare into the General’s eyes, just inches from his own. He loomed over Halcorr, practically foaming at the mouth. Eyes dark and teeth bared.

It could have been described as the same look predators had before biting into their prey.

Terrified yelps echoed from around the room in alarm, and yet, not a single person made any move to step in. They were all frozen just as Halcorr was, even Phasma could only watch as Hux seethed in the Admiral’s face.

“If it wasn’t for Kylo, we wouldn’t be nearly as far into this war as we are now. He sacrificed his life for this cause and got killed because of it! He will _not_ be incinerated and that is an _**order**_!”

The last word reverberated around the dead silent room, the only sound that followed was Halcorr audibly swallowing beneath him. After a beat of heavy tension, he looked around the room at the onlookers who offered no help with wide, almost comical, eyes and then, reluctantly back to Hux.

“Fine!” He snapped, “Since you seem to care so much, General, you can _dispose_ of the body yourself.” 

With the words he finally wanted to hear spoken, Hux relented his grip on the Admiral, pushing him away with a growl of disgust. He didn’t want to be any closer to the repulsing man than he had to anymore. 

Halcorr stumbled backward, but managed to stay upright. With a huff, he smoothed the front of his uniform, attempting to reclaim his expression with a disdainful scowl at the General, but there was no hiding just how absolutely shaken he truly was.

Although Hux had ultimately got his way, it didn’t need to be said that the First Order would be having absolutely no part in Kylo’s burial. It was entirely Hux’s responsibility now.

This latter fact didn’t happen to hit Hux until the moment he had stormed out of the conference room There was no possible way he could have stood another second amongst those people without lashing out violently and yet, as he stood in the deserted hallway, he wished he had stayed. As soon as he had stepped from the claustrophobic confinements of the room, the anger harbored within him had melted, giving way to a flood of searing thoughts previously overshadowed by his rage. 

Even after the caution from Phasma, he had still let his emotions get the better of him- undoubtedly the most idiotic risk he could have taken. Sure, in the end, he had won, but at what price?

His Officers were shown a plethora of weakness, something that could come back to hurt him gravely. As General, displaying any weakness, even that in the smallest amount, could be acutely jeopardizing. With such a high title of command, there could be no room for potential fault. Any possible cracks within the ranks would be dealt with immediately.

And that wasn’t even mentioning the suspicion that would almost certainly arise surrounding the reason for his outburst in the first place. Hux could virtually hear the rumors being passed around already. 

But most importantly, perhaps the one notion he had never fully thought through until this very moment, 

he had a burial to plan. 

 

_\---_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was actually supposed to apart of a larger one, but ultimately, I decided it was long enough to stand as its own, so, that means this story gets expanded by another chapter!  
> Hope you enjoyed!  
> 


	3. Chapter 3

The past two days had been absolute hell.

Hux couldn’t eat.

He couldn’t sleep.

He couldn’t think.

Any and all thoughts were obscured by the dread that had crept over him like an icy chill ever since the meeting, 

His waking hours had been spent on the bridge per usual, only this time, just blindly going through the motions. 

He couldn’t do anything about it. 

His body was present, but his mind was elsewhere. 

Often, he had caught himself staring blankly out the viewports into deep space, no thoughts resonating whatsoever. It was only silently gazing, almost unblinking, into the cold and inky blackness of the infinite stars around them. 

When those instances did occur, Hux never perceived just for how long they ran on for.

Time was lost to him.

For all that he knew, he could have been standing there for hours, but not a single person had said anything to him about it. 

Ever since his outburst, he had been avidly avoided. Everyone was weary of him, perhaps not wanting to be caught in a situation similar to Admiral Halcorr’s.

Hux didn’t blame them. 

Phasma was the only one who had attempted to speak to him. He vaguely remembered her arriving in his quarters directly after the meeting, most likely to reprimand him for his downright idiotic behavior, but she had left soon after he failed to respond to any of her efforts. 

Hux highly doubted his ability to form any coherent thought in this state of mind, so the avoidance didn’t weigh too heavily on him, rather, it was almost a sort of favor.

His nights were spent much the same way his days were, expect, in these dark hours, there was no mindless work available to keep up the illusion of normalcy.

For that reason, Hux had stayed on the bridge as long as he could, far longer than what was necessary, but the constant buzz of noise that the bridge provided was much more preferable than that of the suffocating silence which would greet him upon entering his quarters.

When Hux did finally forced himself to turn in for the night, he found that sleep eluded him. For that entire night and the one that would follow, he would stare up at the ceiling in the darkness, shivering uncontrollably under his covers, all the while wishing for a sweet slumber that wouldn’t come.

His mind was stuck in a dormant state that he couldn’t shut off, but of course, Hux knew why.

Everything had only been leading up to this: the day he would bury Kylo. 

**Today.**

It was here, staring Hux right in the face. There was no avoiding it or other way around it, and yet, Hux pushed the notion as far from his mind as possible.

He couldn’t keep it any closer, not now. He couldn’t allow himself to break, not _yet._

Hux had to push through… he, at the very least, owed Kylo this.

From the very moment he realized exactly what had to be done, an internal war had erupted within himself. Every little decision he had to consider sent his mind into another battle, and without assistance from the First Order, there was only so much that he could do. 

Despite this, there was one thing Hux had been absolutely unwavering on since the very beginning.

Kylo would _not_ be buried on Starkiller Base.

Hux had ran over the possibility countless times in his head, and every time he did, the answer was always no, even if it didn’t make that much sense. 

He had the best access to Starkiller, an entire planet at his fingertips, not to mention the resources available on the base, so why would he not use this to his advantage? Why make it harder on himself than it had to be?

To Hux, it was simple. 

**Kylo deserved better.**

He didn’t deserve to be buried on the dismal and bleak ball of ice that was Starkiller- no, he deserved to be buried someplace warm, green, and away from the rest of the galaxy. A place where he could rest peacefully, and only Hux would know. 

It had taken some time, but eventually Hux had found a fitting location. One that he thought Kylo would have liked; Nosu, a dwarf planet located on the Outer Rim, rich in vegetation and scarcely inhabited due to it’s size.

Ideally, it had been the best choice that was close to the Finalizer’s current location, meaning significantly less travel time. 

Acquiring a shuttle had been easy enough. 

Despite the fact Hux gave no specified reason for his sudden trip off-ship, not a single person questioned him. Even Mitaka had only simply nodded in compliance when he had given him control of the bridge. It was abundantly clear to Hux that his absence wouldn’t be missed this time around, for that, he was glad. 

The journey to Nosu was relatively short, but it certainly wasn’t pleasant.

It was the most nerve-racking trip Hux had ever taken. 

For the whole entirety of the it, he was on an edge that he couldn’t step away from. He sat rigidly in his chair, coiled with tension, while his hands gripped the controls so tightly his knuckles turned to a bone-white.

Every so often, his mind and eyes would drift away from him, itching with the desire to glance towards the back of the shuttle. And every time, Hux would steadfastly refuse these urges, forcing his gaze straightforward.

No matter how much he wanted to, Hux couldn’t let himself look back there. Not once. If he wanted to arrive to Nosu safely, that meant focusing all his attention solely into piloting the shuttle.

When the planet finally did come into view, Hux was so desperate to escape the enclosing boundaries of the shuttle that he felt like he could almost cry with relief. And infact, that feeling was nearly solidified the moment he stepped from the shuttle’s ramp and onto the grassy surface of the planet.

No longer was he sitting trapped and isolated in an icy cockpit, breathing in stale and recycled air- no, here on Nosu, everything was open, the air fresh and clean. Hux swore nothing had ever been so sweet as he sucked in the crisp oxygen greedily. 

He pushed his legs forward, putting a couple leisure steps of distance between him and the shuttle, taking a better look at the glade around him. He had landed in perhaps one of the only areas on the entire planet which hadn’t been deeply engulfed with thick plants or trees. It was a rather small clearing, but just so happened to be overlooking an immense lake, spreading out widely to Hux’s left. The water was a deep, almost purple, blue and it glittered spectacularly; a product of the intense sunlight which beat down from above, casting the area in a hearty glow, and all the while, warming Hux’s skin- a sensation nearly forgotten from so many days spent on the Finalizer.

As Hux silently basked in the newfound warmth and mesmerizing sight, the utter quietness of the planet became increasingly prominent to him. The only discernible sound was the light rustling of wind through the grass, also of which blew his hair gently around his face. The stillness was strange to him, someone so used to always being surrounded by a never ending bustle of activity, but by no means uncomfortable. Instead, it was captivating in an unfamiliar sense; calm, tranquil, remote… and exactly the type of planet him and Kylo had only dreamed about escaping to. 

Once upon a time, they had thought about leaving together, fleeing to a place where they could have lived peacefully, just the two of them. No more lying, hiding, or sneaking around. They had only wanted to be free and without worry, hidden on a distant planet, away from the rest of the galaxy. It had been a fairly improbable idea from the start, but one that they had both still inwardly hoped to achieve someday despite the odds stacked against them. And now, as Hux stood staring out over Nosu, he realized that, in a way, they were finally getting their wish, except now, he could no longer be apart of it.

Kylo would be here alone. 

A nauseating feeling erupted in Hux’s stomach, and he suddenly couldn’t stand to look at the scenery anymore.

This world was only just a cruel reminder of the life that was stolen from him.

His and Kylo’s dream was dead, just like the Knight himself, and any last chance at achieving it was going to be buried today along with him. 

Sucking in a quick breath, Hux knew that this was his cue.

He couldn’t put it off any longer.

With a final longing sweep across the planet, Hux turned his back on the life he could never have and went to retrieve the power-shovel from the shuttle.

In the end, he chose a shady spot under the closest tree to the lake to begin.

While digging, Hux didn’t allow himself to remember the reason _why_ he was doing so- never once letting it cross his mind that was he was, infact, digging the final resting place for the man he loved. 

There was only one thought running through his head and that was to _keep going._

_Do not stop until it’s done._

Hux pushed and pushed, and when his body screamed at him to take a break, he pushed harder, gritting his teeth and powering through the pain and exhaustion. 

By some small mercy, the dirt of Nosu was red and soft, but it certainly didn’t speed up the process any. 

When Hux did ultimately come to a stop some time later, it wasn’t by choice.

Even though his muscles ached terribly with every little movement and his throat stung at every dry swallow, Hux was reluctant to conclude. He had only dug about 4 feet deep, even with the added benefit of the power-shovel, and it just wasn’t enough to him. He wanted so desperately to dig deeper, to make it right, the way it should be and yet, he knew that it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. No matter what he did, nothing would ever be good enough, and besides, it seemed time was not on his side.

In his vicious work fever, Hux had failed to notice the ever lowering sun in the sky up until this moment where it now hung low over the distant trees. He had no idea just how long day-cycles were on Nosu, but it was evident this one was quickly coming to a close- he would have little daylight left to spare. 

With a sigh, he laid the power-shovel aside, preparing to pull himself up from the hole. For a man of his stature, it shouldn’t have been hard, but to Hux, it was like attempting to crawl up from a towering chasm. The muscles in his arms felt as though they were being torn off and his body seized up around him, but with an extruding cry of pain, he was able to heave himself onto the ground above.

For the next few minutes, all Hux could do was lie limply beside the grave, taking in ragged and heaving breaths as he waited for what little strength he had left to return to his body. Never, in all of his life, had be experienced such burning weakness, both mentally and physically. Every inch of his body was crying out in pain and a raging headache throbbed through his entire skull, blurring his thoughts and vision; symptoms most likely brought on from his severe dehydration.

Lolling his head to the side, Hux looked out over to the lake which was now on his right. From this position, the low sun gave the water an almost iridescent look, enticing him. He wanted nothing more than to crawl to the shore and drink from it’s cool waters, finally bringing relief to his burning throat… but even if the water was drinkable, Hux knew he wouldn’t have done that. He deserved this pain. He had earned every last bit of torture, and it was his alone to bear.

And really, Hux knew this was nothing compared to what was about to come next- the truly terrible part which had filled his every pore with dense, stifling dread nonstop for the past two days.

With a shaking body, he pushed himself up from the ground, stumbling slightly before walking slowly to the nearby shuttle. With every step closer, his heart beat faster in his chest. He felt like an animal being brought to the slaughter, trying to prolong the inevitable butchering. 

Somehow, in a way even unbeknownst to Hux, he had managed to keep himself together all day, but the moment he turned into the back of the shuttle, was the moment when any composure he had left, came crashing down. With nowhere else to look, his eyes fell onto the one thing he had been avidly abstaining from acknowledging for the entire trip- the unmistakeable form of Kylo’s body, lying stationary on a cot, hidden from sight by a sheet not unlike one from Hux’s own bed. 

An immediate lump had formed in his throat as he stood frozen in place, staring at the body before him, struggling to remember how to breathe. 

His fingers twitched helplessly by his sides, wanting to reach out and pull the sheet back, but he withheld. It had only been four days since the last time he had last glimpsed Kylo’s face, and yet, it had felt like an eternity had passed. He couldn’t help but be petrified by the possibility of only finding a rotting corpse under the sheet in place of the man he knew and loved. 

The fear sat heavy in his stomach like lead. 

After a minute, Hux decided that the sooner he got this done, the better. 

With a swallow, he found the least bit of strength to push his body forward despite the way it fought against him. 

Hux knew what to expect this time around, but he still couldn’t stop the shock running down his spine as he gathered the unsettling cold body into his shaking arms. He hitched a gasp as the iciness seeped through the many layers of fabric between them.

Turning from the shuttle, he kept the body securely to his chest while his legs wobbled dangerously underneath him.

Hux figured that maybe, _just maybe_ , if he concentrated all of his focus into putting one foot in front of the other and not dropping the body, he could perhaps forget that he held his dead lover in his arms. 

Of course, that was just wishful thinking.

Silent tears were already streaming down Hux’s cheeks by the time he had reached the grave, or rather, his feeble excuse for one. 

By some miracle, he was able to set Kylo down gently down only seconds before his legs gave out. He dropped unceremoniously to his knees next to the Knight. 

Looking at the sheet-wrapped body and the grave just inches away from it, Hux knew he had to look under the sheet, his fear be damned, he wouldn’t let it end like this.

Slowly, with trembling hands, he reached up to to pull the sheet away. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until the moment the sheet was delicately pulled back and he had to involuntarily take in a gasping inhale.

Laying static on the ground, underneath the sheet, truly was Kylo, looking exactly the way Hux remembered him; ever pale skin marked decoratively against wild, black hair.

A small whimper of what could only be described as relief escaped Hux’s lips, followed by a heavier onslaught of unchecked tears.

There was no decaying flesh or putrid appearance.

It was still the same beautiful and exquisite man Hux had fallen in love with all those years ago.

He brought his hand up to cup the other man’s cold cheek as a broken sob escaped from his lips. He almost couldn’t believe it was Kylo.

The blood and bruises which had marred his appearance only days ago were now gone, including the fatal blaster hole, undoubtedly covered by synthflesh. Clearly, the mortician onboard the Finalizer had done his job, almost a little too well.

How was Hux supposed to bury him if he looked so much alive? So much like Hux wished he could be?

He almost wanted to reach out and take Kylo’s pulse, just to check, but the confirmation would be too much for him to handle. 

Still, his hands itched to touch Kylo, to hold him, to heal him, to do _something_ other than this. His mind screamed at him to _fix_ this, to make the pain stop, to bring Kylo back to him. Just, _**anything**_.

Salty tears dripped in Hux’s open mouth as he gasped around his sobs. He could do none of those things. He was useless, pathetic, and weak.

His hands moved down from Kylo’s cheeks to his robes, his fingers twisting in the fabric there as an anchor.

When Hux could no longer stay upright, his head joined his hands to lay atop Kylo’s chest.

His makeshift pillow stayed frozen and unmoving under him.

“K-Kylo…” He sobbed into the Knight’s chest, the name mixing with his wails to cascade around the plain.

The warm temperature of the planet had only just started to gradually decrease due to the setting sun, but Hux was already ice cold. Inside and out.

The sky above was cast in an artistic range of purple and orange, a sight not for him; there was no beauty left in this world for Hux. 

Desperately, he tried to remember the last time he had saw Kylo, warm and alive. The last time he had held him in his arms. The last time that he had told the man he loved him.

He couldn’t. 

His mind was unravelling at an alarming rate, with Hux so hopelessly trying to collect the fragments of happy memories which eluded his grasp. It was like they had all vanished completely, as if a world of suffering was all that he had ever known. 

Perhaps it was. 

The sunlight was diminishing ever faster as the sun continued it’s descent downward into the sky.

Hux knew that it was time. 

His body tensed around him and his fingers automatically clawed deeper in Kylo’s robes, another panicked sob escaping. It took everything he had to will himself to let go, but slowly, his fingers untwisted from their hold. The feeling of pins and needles ran up his arms almost immediately as he reached his unsteady hands back once more to Kylo’s face, tucking a strand of black hair gently behind one of his ears. Even though the tears and gasps still shocked through him, Hux frantically tried to commit every last curve, mark, or miniscule detail of Kylo to memory. The very faint light of the setting sun cast half of the Knight’s face in an orange glow while leaving the other in a dark shadow.

Hux didn’t know whether it was the particular lighting or the way his tears distorted his vision, but as he stared down at Kylo’s pale face, he would have sworn that the Knight almost looked... _peaceful._

An expression Hux had so rarely glimpsed.

Before, Kylo never seemed to be untroubled.

Hux didn’t pretend to understand the force and Kylo never explained, but it hadn’t been hard for him to see the emotional toll it took on the other man- the constant internal struggle which plagued Kylo day in and day out. It had hurt Hux to see the man in loved in so much pain, a pain that he could do nothing to soothe.

On the days he had found Kylo destroying yet another room, he always made sure to hold him tightly afterward while he had cried, clutching onto Hux as if his life depended on it. 

Even at night, Kylo had never slept without a crease between his brows, so to suddenly glimpse him like this, face tranquil and at ease, made Hux’s heart clench. 

His own world may have been falling apart around him, but even so, he desperately hoped, with all of his being, that Kylo was finally free of his pain.

“I-..” Hux’s voice was broken by a hoarse crack, a sob directly following as he trailed off. This was the last time he would ever get to say this.

“I-I love you, Kylo… s-so, so much.” 

The words were raw and hollow, spoken barely above a whisper as the wind carried them away. 

Slowly, he leaned down, closing his eyes and pressing his lips lightly to Kylo’s forehead before forcibly drawing himself away. 

His time was running out, and he had long ago lost the chance to leave this planet while it was still light - he would be here well into the night. Knowing this, Hux shouldn’t have been wasting any more of the precious sunlight he still had left, he should have been getting started right away on finishing the burial, and yet, he didn’t.

He couldn’t leave Kylo like this.

For Kylo’s sake and his own sanity, he had to say _something,_ but, of course, Hux should have known better than to think that the galaxy was through with him just yet.

To think that they would allow him this small mercy after everything they had already stolen from him was purely naivety. 

Clearly, taking the only person Hux had ever truly loved from existence hadn’t been enough, no, the galaxy had to also go ahead and take his greatest asset from him too- his speech; at a time where he couldn’t have needed it more, any and all words holding weight of actual significance sadistically evaded Hux’s grasp. 

Someone so skilled at knowing the right words to rally other’s emotions, couldn’t even speak his own- he could see how the irony of the situation had just been too sweet for the galaxy to pass up. Hux had never left so lost in his life. 

He had always had a plan, an order, a definitive way to go about things, and now, here he was, grasping at straws for his final parting words with the man he loved. 

The universe had never been so cruel; robbing him of his life, love, and time… so he said the only words that even began to justify how he felt. 

“I’m s-sorry...” 

The second it was out of his mouth, Hux wanted to take it back immediately.

Those two words were perhaps the most useless and pathetic words he could have ever said, for one simple reason: he didn’t deserve to say them. 

It didn’t matter how sorry he was.

Or how his guilt coursed through his veins like hot magma.

At the end of the day, pitiful apologies wouldn’t mean a thing.

Kylo would still be dead.

And as he pulled the sheet back over the Kylo’s head, watching him disappear from sight, Hux knew there would be no changing that reality.

For the final time he would ever do so, he went to gather the Knight in his arms, but this time, Kylo felt utterly weightless; lighter than air, as if he was already gone… or perhaps Hux just felt heavier in comparison, weighed down by his crushing guilt.

Nevertheless, he made sure Kylo was still, infact, in his arms. The only visible change he could find in the sheet-clad figure was a newfound splattering of dark wet splotches in the sheet’s fabric, those of which having blossomed from the tears which dripped from Hux’s wobbling chin.

When the splotches turned viciously to blaster wounds in his mind’s eyes, he had to look away, directing his gaze towards the grave below him.

In the fading light of day, the hole had turned pitch black, a seemingly bottomless pit. 

Irrational fear suddenly gripped Hux like a tight fist around his throat.

If he were to lay Kylo in there, would he drop?

His hold on the man tightened. 

_No,_ he told himself. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life in doubtful fear.

He _had_ to trust that Kylo would be safe here; that he would be at peace. 

_He had to let him go._

With a sob bubbling up, Hux leaned into the grave and screwed his eyes shut, willing himself to truly believe those words. 

Little by agonizing little, he forced himself to loosen his grip on Kylo, repeating four simple words over and over again in his head. 

_Everything will be okay._

_Everything will be okay._

_Everything will be okay._

Until finally, the almost nonexistent weight gently slipped from his arms.

A moment later, a soft thud resounded. 

Hux’s heart was in his throat, but as soon as he pried his eyes open, he let out a watery hiccup. Kylo was still there, just barely within his arm's reach. He hadn’t fallen into the darkness.

Relief swelled brightly through Hux for the briefest amount of time, only to be dominated a second later by the immediate urge to retrieve Kylo from the inky blackness in which he laid- to save him. 

But he couldn't.

He was beyond saving.

He couldn't protect Kylo anymore.

He had already failed in that aspect.

The only thing he could do now is make sure that no one ever got to him again- to ensure that Kylo would get to rest peacefully.

It was the very last thing he could, and he needed to finish it.

For Kylo. 

Taking a shuddering breath, Hux turned and grabbed wildly for the previously discarded power-shovel. Without hesitation, he immediately began to fling dirt haphazardly back into the hole, not bothering to watch the trajectory.

Hux was only able to hold himself together for a mere few minutes before it all came fragmenting down once more, erratic sobs worse than ever reappearing in it’s wake.

Regardless, he powered through, ignoring the pounding headache and blurred vision which had returned with a vengeance. His heaving cries echoed chillingly across the silent planet which had fully given way to the dark expanses of night. By some miracle, Nosu had two moons, basking the planet in enough blue moonlight for Hux to continue working.

Despite this, he still didn’t watch as the figure in the grave below slowly became more obscured with every shovelful, until they dematerialized into the black completely. 

Hux was just so tired, and weak, and hollow.

He felt removed from physical existence, as if he was watching himself from some faraway place in his mind. 

His brain and body were shrieking in pain, and he couldn’t seem to get enough air into his lungs around the hysterical cries which racked through him.

And yet, with all of this going on, a singular, unconnected thought somehow managed to surface through his cloud of agony- a thought filled with much more torment.

All those attempts to scrub his hands clean of Kylo’s blood days prior had been in vain.

Even if it wasn’t physically, Kylo’s blood would _always_ be on his hands metaphorically.

If he hadn’t been so preoccupied with furthering his career, he would have seen the obvious ploy by the rebels, and most importantly, Kylo would still be alive.

The man he loved was dead.

Plain and simple.

And it was his fault. 

Hux couldn’t do it anymore. 

He broke. 

The power-shovel fell from his hands, clattering onto the ground as he collapsed onto his newly dead lover’s grave. 

Clutching at his chest, an ear-splitting wail broke the still air, bringing along the metallic taste of blood.

A large, gaping hole had opened where his heart should have been. 

 

\---

 

Hux’s time on Nosu was a haze. He wasn’t sure just how long he had stayed there, crying atop Kylo’s grave in the blue moonlight, but eventually, he had managed to stumble to the shuttle and take off for the Finalizer. 

If he hadn’t left when he did, Hux didn’t think he ever would have.

Nevertheless, he had somehow been able to make it back to the Finalizer in one piece. 

Upon entering the ship, he immediately made for his quarters, taking the long way round to do so. He couldn’t risk anyone seeing him, not like this. He felt like it was about to burst any second.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted to break anything and everything in his vicinity- anything to make the crushing pain go away.

So that’s exactly what he did. 

Upon entering his quarters, a scream of pure agony tore itself from deep within Hux’s chest. 

There was no fear of anyone overhearing him.

He was alone in his torment. 

Letting out another yell, Hux grabbed for the nearest object, a glass decanter full of rich Corellian whiskey, and threw it against the wall. To his wonderment, he found great pleasure in seeing the glass shatter into a million tiny shards. _Why?_ Because it was the closest thing to embodying how he felt inside.

 _Completely broken._ With no hesitation, Hux reached for the matching set of glasses, hurling them at the wall to lie with the decanter.

He felt pathetic, being reduced to destroying things as an outlet for his anger, and yet, he couldn’t stop. If he did, all the painful thoughts would come back.

This was his distraction. 

For the next few minutes, Hux went about wrecking the room, seizing anything he could get his hands on and pitching it against the nearest wall. Tears streamed down his face unnoticed as he blindly grasped for his each new projectile.

It was only when his hand happened to close around a rough, pliable item that everything seemed to freeze.

His breath caught in his throat..

Hux didn’t even need to look down to know what he he held was, but he did anyway, turning the black piece of fabric over in his hands.

His lips quivered. 

He would know the article of clothing anywhere.

Kylo had wore it almost daily.

It was his cowl. 

Strew casually across the back of a chair in the corner of Hux’s room. He must have forgotten it the last time he had stayed, nearly 5 days ago.

Without thinking, Hux gathered the cloth fully into his hands and took a step towards the door, planning to quickly run to Kylo’s quarters to return the item, but that was when the ravaged room around him came back into view.

And everything came flooding back. 

Hux couldn’t return the item.

Kylo was dead.

Gone, forever.

He would never see him again. 

_This was all he had left._

All at once, the pain returned.

Hux’s knees buckled beneath him, making hard contact with the floor as a thousand daggers were thrust into him and twisted. 

The cowl fell limply from his hands to an unforeseen destination.

It was as though time itself had stopped altogether. 

Hux opened his mouth to scream, but not a sound emerged. 

His brain was being shredded, everything blinding and too loud. 

He couldn’t move, he couldn’t hear, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t think.

The pain was everywhere and nowhere. It was in him and all around him. He felt paralyzed. His breath came in short, painful gasps as he clutched at the hole in his chest, at the raw emptiness there; a void that threatened to consume him.

When a noise finally managed to escape Hux’s throat, it was a cry so desolate, it felt like it was coming from the very depths of his being. 

Thick tears gushed from his eyes as his whole body began to wrack with the sheer punching force of every sob that ripped through bone and muscle.

All those years of hiding, the careful meetings, and secret kisses...what had been the point?

Precious time wasted on meaningless precautions. 

Kylo had still ended up dead.

And now, Hux was left here alone, living a life that he didn’t even deserve; not while Kylo didn’t get to live his. 

Hux wished, so desperately, to turn back the clocks. 

To take Kylo’s place in front of that blaster.

To be the one who was dead. 

Gladly. In a heartbeat. 

Kylo had been the person who had brought light into his life; a single candle burning in the ugly darkness. He had been bright and beautiful, warding off the cold which had surrounded Hux for so long… but Hux had gotten too comfortable. 

And everyone knew that if you got too close to an open flame, you were bound to get burned. 

And Hux had.

Not only just burned, but branded, for the rest of his life. 

He had taken his light for granted, and now it was gone. 

Extinguished. 

Blown out by, _Sebastian Maverik._ The sudden remembrance of the name sent an electric shock through Hux, causing his body to go rigid and his brain to blank over.

For a fleeting instant, everything was at a complete standstill, but then, the world was shot into fast motion again, and a wave of unadulterated anger crashed over Hux. 

Slowly, one by one, all of his previous ailings came to a stop, a sheer fury overtaking his mind.

His tears stopped flowing.

His breathing returned to normal.

His body stopped convulsing with pain, instead, replaced by a new, flaming energy thrumming through his veins. Hux had felt rage before, but nothing quite like what he was feeling now.

The one singular image he had seen of Sebastian Maverik had been conjured from his memory, now searing itself into the back of his skull. 

This was the man who had taken the only thing he have ever cared about from him.

The pathetic scum who had shot Kylo defenseless, but ran like a coward for his own life.

And he was still out there. 

Somewhere, in the galaxy, this man was alive, breathing air into his lungs, living to see another day. 

Hux shook violently with anger, an intense scream coming from his mouth as he slammed his fist against the floor, little shards of glass plunging themselves into his skin. 

_The bastard would fucking pay. He would die a thousand deaths._

The cruelest and most painful methods of killing sprang deliciously into Hux’s mind. He only entertained them for a passing moment before waving them away.

None of those would be nearly enough.

Not a single one of them.

Sebastian needed to know what _true_ pain felt like.

Pain that was enough to break you, to change you beyond recognition. 

The pain where it felt like your whole world was collapsing in on itself and you couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it. You could only watch as everything you loved died right in front of your eyes, leaving nothing but the feeling of helplessness which dragged you down into the depths of desolation.

Suffocating you.

Drowning you.

Restricting your every thought and movement until you were left begging on your knees for death, only to be cruelly forced to continue living. 

That was the only pain Sebastian deserved. 

Not just a physical death, but a mental and emotional death too. 

Only then would Hux be satisfied, but he was no fool. He knew that killing Sebastian wouldn’t bring Kylo back, no matter how much he wished it could.

But if he couldn't take Kylo’s place in death, than the only other option would be to do everything in his power to bury those who put him there.

To avenge him. 

Infact, while he was at it, why not bring the entire New Republic crumbing to the ground with them? To finally bring _order_ to the galaxy. 

Afterall, he had nothing left to lose. He had already lost the only thing in the entire galaxy that had mattered to him.

He could finally wipe the galaxy clean of the miserable scum which inhabited it, along with anyone else who threatened to stand in his way. 

And when they will eventually cry out in terror, begging him for their lives, Hux will show them the same amount of mercy the galaxy had shown Kylo.

 _None_. 

_**Absolutely none.** _

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow oh wow, this chapter... poor Hux.  
> But at least the moment you've all been waiting for is finally here! Hux's downward spiral!  
> Are you excited? Because I am!  
> Leave me your feedback!  
> I'm going to be replying to your comments from now on! :)
> 
> EDIT: Hey! It's been awhile I know, but I promise you this fic is not abandoned! Along with taking a little bit of time off, I've also been currently working on a rather fluffy oneshot that I hope to post soon, but I will be back! I am determined to see this fic through and I hope you guys will be able to stick it out with me.

**Author's Note:**

> First time writer of fanfiction, come talk to me on my [tumblr!](http://infinitelykylo.tumblr.com/) :)


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